Poison Ivy's Revenge
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Poison Ivy invents a masterful scheme for getting back at the Joker - spreading the rumor that Harley told her he's in love with Batman. Joker avenges himself upon her by driving a wedge between her and Harley the only way he can think of - by making it appear Ivy is in love with him.
1. Chapter 1

**Poison Ivy's Revenge**

He started it. Poison Ivy had always maintained, and always would maintain, that the Joker started it. From the beginning, their rivalry had been his fault – Harley and Ivy had met after Joker had kicked Harley out, and the two had become fast friends as well as partners in crime. Incredibly successful partners in crime. Joker had become jealous of their success, if nothing else, so he had set out to stop them, and reclaim his property, as he thought of Harley. Ivy had tried to prevent him from doing that. And that was the beginning of the whole thing. Fight after fight, battle after battle, and he always won. He always won Harley back. Ivy's genuine affection and concern for her friend's welfare was meaningless compared to the general apathy, and frequent cruelty of Harley's boyfriend. It was crazy, but so was Harley, so it made sense.

But this time, Ivy thought, as she sat smiling smugly to herself in her cell in Arkham, this time she had won over the clown. Not Harley – Harley was sobbing next door and crying "Oh, Mr. J!" pathetically. But it was a triumph, nonetheless, a victory, and quite a glorious one, if she said so herself.

He had started it again. There had been an uneasy truce between them because they hadn't seen each other in ages, not since Harley's latest reconcilation, but Ivy woke up one morning to find her flowerbeds cut into grinning faces, and "HA HA HARVEST TIME!" scrawled on the walls of the greenhouse. The room itself was filled with Joker toxin and the plants inside were all dead.

The pain was excruciating, but Ivy forced herself to focus on revenge. She brooded all day and all night on how she could hit back at him. His trump card was that any physical harm she did to him would hurt Harley too. She couldn't kill him. She couldn't even hurt him without upsetting her. The problem with Joker was that while he could strike at her heart by destroying the things she loved, she couldn't strike at his, because he didn't have one. And he didn't love anything. Except himself.

And that was when it hit her. He did love himself. He loved his persona and his reputation and his status as the most feared and terrifying villain in Gotham, and the ultimate nemesis of Batman. The only way she could hurt him was to ruin that.

Her lips curled into a smile as the plan formed, an ingenious plan, ingenious because it was simple and easy, and it would completely destroy him.

She picked up the phone and dialled a number. "Hello?" said the voice on the other end.

"Selina? It's Ivy."

"Ivy, this is a surprise! Last time we talked, you made it crystal clear to me that you didn't want to have anything to do with me ever again."

"Yeah, I know. But I just didn't know who else to call. I need to talk to someone in confidence, Selina, and I know I can trust you to be discreet."

She smiled, knowing that was all she needed to say to have the gossip spread around Gotham's criminal circles like wildfire.

"Why didn't you call Harley?"

"It was Harley who told me. I needed to talk to someone else about it. See, she told me in confidence, but I just can't keep it to myself because it's just so disturbing. So I needed to share and talk it over with someone sane. Promise you won't tell anyone, Selina?"

"Of course I do."

"Ok." Ivy drew in a breath. "Harley came to me in tears. I've never seen her this upset, not even all those times Joker kicked her out. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong at first, but finally it all came out. Apparently she and J were…in the middle of things, when he suddenly let a name slip out. A name that wasn't Harley's."

Ivy waited. "What name was it?" asked Selina, her voice betraying her curiosity.

Ivy grinned to herself. "Batman," she murmured.

There was silence on the other end, silence which lasted several minutes. "You mean he thinks about the Bat when he…"

"Apparently," said Ivy. "Pretty sick, huh? All those years he's claimed to hate him and tried to kill him, when fantasizing about him is the thing that gets him off. Harley's heartbroken, but you know what she's like. This won't change anything - her dependency on him is too deeply rooted. He'll snap his fingers and she'll come running. But I can't see him the same way again. Y'know, knowing he's in love with the Bat, or as close to love as his sick, twisted feelings can come."

There was silence on the other end of the phone. "You won't tell anyone, will you, Selina?" asked Ivy.

"Cross my heart and hope to die, Ivy," replied Selina.

"Thanks. And thanks for listening, Selina. You're a real pal."

"Anytime, Ivy. Bye."

"Bye."

Ivy hung up the phone, smiling. She wondered how long it would take for the news to spread. Information got around quickly in these days of modern technology, what with the internet and all.

Shortly afterward, she was busted by the Bat and dragged back to Arkham Asylum. And a few days later, Joker and Harley were brought back too. But by that time the news had spread among its inmates, as well as most of Gotham City. Joker usually returned to Arkham like a king to his court – greeted with fear and awe and respect both by doctors and patients. This time there was an unsettled, uneasy feeling in the air, a nervous, yet slightly amused whispering ran through the corridor as Joker was dragged down it. This turned into light laughter, and then actual jeering and hooting as the noise grew in strength. This was even better than Ivy had hoped. Laughing. They were laughing at him.

Joker was not smiling – he had his eyes fixed intently on the floor, but looked up as he passed Ivy's cell. She could tell, by the burning, murderous rage in them, that he knew who it was who had started the rumor. And those eyes promised revenge, slow, terrible, and painful revenge.

But Ivy wasn't afraid. She was incredibly pleased with herself, though, and smiled and waved at him as he was dragged off. Harley was thrown into the cell next to hers, fighting and struggling to get free and back to Joker. The door was locked and she started crying, which she kept up for several hours. Ivy didn't like hearing her that upset, but she was in too good a mood to let it bother her too much.

She heard a tapping against the loose stone in the wall, which is how she and Harley always talked whenever they were incarcerated. She went over and removed it, and saw Harley's pale, wasted face, blotchy and red, with eyes puffy from crying.

"Hey, Red," she murmured.

"Hi, Harley," she replied. "You ok?"

"Me? Yeah, I'm fine," she said, sniffing. "Just missing Mr. J, y'know?"

"Yeah, I know," sighed Ivy. One battle at a time, she reminded herself.

"He's not ok, Red," she murmured. "He's really upset about something, but he won't tell me what it is. Just told me to ask you. Do you know what's eating him, Red? And what's wrong with all these people?" she asked, gesturing around the cells. "Why did they laugh at Mr. J? He don't like being laughed at."

"Maybe he shouldn't be a clown – it tends to come with the territory," she retorted.

"Oh, he wants people to laugh at his jokes, Red, just not at him," she replied. "He deserves respect, and you can't respect people you laugh at. Why don't these mooks respect Mr. J no more?"

Ivy didn't want to tell her. "Red?" pressed Harley, looking at her pleadingly with her big blue eyes. "You know, don't you?"

Ivy sighed heavily. "Well, Harley…there may be a certain rumor going around about...Joker and Batman."

"What kind of rumor?" she asked.

"One that claims…that he's in love with him."

Harley stared blankly at her. Then she laughed. "Aw, that's ridiculous, Red! Everyone knows that Mr. J's in love with me! Him and the Bat have a special relationship, no doubt about that, but there's always a special relationship between a guy and his nemesis that people don't usually get. But I do. I ain't jealous or anything like that. Ain't got no reason to be. Why would people believe a silly rumor like that?"

"Well…maybe they just don't get the nemesis relationship, like you say. Or maybe…the rumor was supposedly started by a trusted source close to Joker, so it rings true."

"Who?" she asked, puzzled.

"You, Harley," she replied.

Harley gazed at her, shocked. "Me?" she murmured. Then she grew suddenly angry. "Some creep's been putting words in my mouth?! I'll kill 'em! You know who started it, Red, or do I have to torture every meatbag in this joint?"

"Wish I could help, Harley, but I don't know," shrugged Ivy. "I heard it from Two-Face. He said that Crane had told him that Jervis had said that Cobblepot had heard from Nygma that there was a rumor that you had said that Joker had shouted out Batman's name _in flagrante_."

Harley gaped at her. "I would never…NEVER discuss me and Mr. J's private time with jerks like that!" she shouted.

"I believe you, Harley," replied Ivy. "But it is kinda a funny idea when you think about it."

"It ain't funny!" shouted Harley. "It's horrible and disgusting and humiliating to Mr. J! No wonder the poor baby's been so upset lately! It's a pretty sick idea of a joke, if that's what it's supposed to be! I ain't laughing, and Mr. J ain't laughing! And when I find out the twisted bastard who started this, I'll make 'em wish they'd never been born!"

Ivy wasn't afraid to tell Harley the truth – she was her best friend, and she trusted that she would forgive her anything. That's what best friends did. But all the same, she didn't want Harley to be angry with her, so it was easier just to smile and nod and leave her to her ranting. Ivy returned to tending her plants, basking in the glow of victory.

Normally, the asylum rang with Joker's laughter, crazy peals of it at all hours of the day or night. But now the asylum was silent, except for Harley's angry muttering. Ivy smiled to herself. The Joker had stopped laughing. Not even Batman had been able to accomplish that.


	2. Chapter 2

The Joker wasn't seen out and about in Arkham for several weeks. The day after he arrived, he had killed one of his doctors by beating his face into a wall, and was locked up in solitary confinement. This took its toll on Harley, who sobbed herself to sleep every night. But during the day she put on a brave face in public. She was polite and courteous to everyone, but a far cry from her usual bouncy, affectionate self. She eyed every other inmate with suspicion, but that didn't bother Ivy. Let Harley think whatever she wanted, as long as it kept her out of it.

An incident with Harley occurred the same day as Joker's murderous outburst. The inmates were lounging the Rec Room when Edward Nygma strolled in. "Morning, everyone!" he said, cheerfully. He noticed that Harley had arrived and was sitting reading a book in the corner.

"Harley, when did you get here?" he asked.

"Bats brought me and Mr. J in last night," she replied.

"Bet he enjoyed that!" laughed Nygma. Harley glared at him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded.

"Nothing, Harley," he said, smiling.

"That's right. It don't mean nothing," she muttered, returning to her book.

Nygma couldn't resist enjoying himself a bit more at Joker's expense. "So tell me, Harley," he said, sitting down next to her. "You and J ever roleplay?"

"That ain't none of your business, Eddie," she retorted.

"Is it just Batman, or have you got a Robin costume too?" he continued, smiling. "Wouldn't be surprised if it was the Boy Blunder too – judging by you, J clearly likes them young…"

He was cut off as Harley hit him across the face with the book. She continued to beat him with it as the guards were called. "Now listen up, Eddie, and listen up everyone!" she shouted to the room in general, not pausing in her beating. "What Mr. J and I get up to in private ain't none of your business! Anybody mentions, hints, or alludes to it again, and it won't be funny! Get me?"

Everyone nodded as the guards rushed into the room. Harley held Nygma by the collar. "Now listen good, Eddie. Who'd you hear that sick rumor from? And tell me the truth or you won't live to tell another riddle!"

"How should I know who let the cat out of the bag, Harley?" he replied. She looked at him as the guards pulled them apart.

"That was a riddle, Harley," he muttered.

"Yeah, yeah, I got it," she retorted. "I ain't stupid. Not like the rest of you idiots, believing a stupid rumor! Mr. J loves me! Hear that? He loves me!" she shouted as she was dragged back to her cell.

"You think she can ever be cured, Pam?" muttered Two-Face, who returned to watching TV.

"Hope springs eternal, Harv," retorted Ivy. "If the Joker can be knocked off his merry throne, anything's possible."

"Harley's a sweet kid, and I know she would never suspect her best friend, but I can't help but think you had a hand in this whole rumor business," said Two-Face. "Clearly Harley didn't start it, but someone close to her obvously did. Someone people would trust as being Harley's confidant, someone she might share private information like that with."

"Wow, Harvey, I think Batman's got a rival for the title of World's Greatest Detective," said Ivy, rolling her eyes.

"You should tell her the truth," said Two-Face. "The longer you keep it from her, the more it'll hurt her when she discovers it."

"She won't discover it," snapped Ivy. "Nygma's told her it was Selina, who, in case you didn't notice, isn't here. We're locked up. Harley's not escaping without J, and J's in solitary for who knows how long. She won't be able to speak to Selina anytime soon. And even if she did, why would Selina tell her the truth? And even if she did, why would I care? Harley's my best friend and she knows how J tries to get on my nerves. She'll understand payback, and she'll forgive me."

"First rule of humanity, Pammie – they don't forgive," said Two-Face. "Second rule of humanity – in a contest between the lover and the best friend, the best friend always loses. I hope you know what you're doing."

"Gee, Harv, what would a poor dumb girl like me do without a big, strong man like you telling her what to do?" muttered Ivy, rising from the sofa and heading for her cell. "Who do you think I am, Harley? I know exactly what I'm doing."

"Famous last words," muttered Two-Face. "But good luck, Pam. I think you're going to need it."


	3. Chapter 3

The Joker was released from solitary confinement at last, his mood much improved. The time alone had given him a chance to think, and to form a little plan of his own for getting revenge on Ivy. He strolled into the Rec Room with his usual, cheerful smile on his face, and Harley shrieked in delight, throwing herself into his arms.

"Puddin'! Thank goodness you're free! I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too, pooh bear," he said, kissing her forehead. "In fact, I missed the whole lot of you!" he said, beaming at the room at large. "My adoring audience and beloved public! The Clown Prince of Crime is back!"

He bowed and Harley applauded enthusiastically, then clutched him tightly, burying her face in his chest. "Now, who's up for a game of tiddly winks?" he asked. "Or crazy eights? I've got the cards right here. Crane, you wanna play?"

"As intellectually challenging as it sounds, no," snapped Jonathan Crane, not looking up from his book.

"Tetch, how about you?" he asked, turning to the Mad Hatter, who was sipping tea in a corner.

"'I have answered three questions, and that is enough, don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? - Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!'" muttered Tetch.

"I'll take that as a no," said Joker, shrugging. "Anybody? Ah, Karlo, you'll be a pal, won't you, old buddy?" he asked Basil Karlo, aka Clayface, who was watching an old horror rerun on TV with a scowl on his face.

He nodded, turning off the TV. "Sure, why not?"

"Aw, you're such a sport, Bas!" said Joker, grinning, as they sat down, Harley nestling into his lap. "Always there for a friend in need. And speaking of friends in need, this friend would be willing to reward you handsomely for a little favor."

"I'm listening," muttered Karlo as Joker dealt the cards.

"Pumpkin, Daddy's just going to talk a little business with Bas," murmured Joker to Harley, kissing her. "Why don't you go back to playing with the plant?"

"Ok, Mr. J," she said, going back over to Ivy. "Ain't it just great that he's back to his old self, Red?" she sighed.

"Yeah, great," muttered Ivy. They had been playing a game of Scrabble, but Harley had abandoned it instantly in favor of Joker. Two-Face's words rang in Ivy's ears, about choosing the lover over the best friend every time, and annoyed her.

She watched Joker and Clayface, wondering what they were talking about. Joker's good mood didn't bode well for her – it could only mean that he was setting up some scheme for getting back at her.

She shrugged, trying to focus back on the game. Let him do his worst. She wasn't afraid of him.

Harley wasn't great at Scrabble, and Ivy won in about half an hour. By that time, Joker and Clayface had concluded their business, and the clown came over to join them. Ivy felt his intense eyes burning hatred at her, although he had a smile on his face.

"Pammie, just wondering if I could have a word with you in private," he said, grinning. "I have a little job lined up that requires your special talents."

Ivy shrugged. "Ok, I'll listen."

"Your cell or mine?" he asked, grinning.

"Mine," she retorted, glaring at him.

"You stay here, baby," said Joker to Harley, although he kept his eyes fixed on Ivy. "Daddy won't be long."

They left the Rec Room and entered Ivy's cell. "What's this really about, Joker?" she asked.

"I told you, Pammie, a job that requires your special talents," he repeated, grinning. "Gotta say, that rumor business of yours wasn't very funny. But it's over now, and there's no point in dwelling on the past. Let's just forgive and forget the whole thing ever happened."

"I don't want to forget it," retorted Ivy, smirking. "I thought it was pretty funny."

"Yeah, but you got a twisted sense of humor, Pam," said Joker. "You're not a comedian – you're just an amateur. And amateurs shouldn't play with the big boys. They'll just end up hurt."

"You think I'm afraid of you?" asked Ivy. "You can't hurt me, Joker."

"Maybe I can't, right here, right now," he agreed, nodding. "But Harley can," he murmured, grinning.

"And why would Harley want to hurt me?" she asked. "I'm her best friend."

"Yeah, you are, Pammie," he said. "But that doesn't make you trustworthy, does it?"

"Harley does trust me," retorted Ivy.

"She does now," he agreed. "Don't think she will for much longer, though."

"And why's that?" demanded Ivy.

"Because you're going to betray her, Pammie," replied Joker, grinning. "You're going to break her little heart clean in two. Snap it like a twig. Sorry about the imagery," he added, his eyes shining.

"Are you crazy?" snapped Ivy.

His grin widened. "Dumb question, Pammie," he whispered.

And without warning, he seized her and pulled her against the wall, shoving his mouth onto hers and kissing her. Ivy was beyond stunned – whatever she had been expecting, it would never in a hundred years have been that. She tried to break away, struggling and straining against him, but Joker had an iron grip and held her tightly. But he suddenly shoved her violently away from him, wiping his mouth with his sleeve, his eyes angry and unsmiling.

"I said no, Pammie!" he shouted. "And I've told you a million times, I'm in love with Harley! You've got no chance! So stop trying to come between the two of us, or I swear I'll tell her what you've been trying to do!"

"Puddin'?" came a soft, hurt voice from the doorway.

Ivy turned to see Harley standing there, her big, blue eyes wide and stunned. And the realization hit her with a bang. "Harley, it's not…" she began.

"Harley, what did you see?" demanded Joker.

"I saw…I saw…you and Red…you and her…oh, Mr. J!" cried Harley, bursting into tears and rushing to his arms. "What's going on?"

"Are you happy now?" growled Joker, turning angrily on Ivy as he held Harley gently. "Go on, Pammie, tell her the truth!"

"You bastard," gasped Ivy, staring at him in disbelief. "You lying, filthy, cheating, heartless bastard! You're going to break her heart and ruin her life for your own selfish revenge?!"

"I ain't the one trying to ruin her life!" shouted Joker. "Why don't you tell Harley the truth, Pammie? You've been after me from the beginning! You used Harley to get close to me – your whole friendship was just to get near me, to try to seduce me! I've told you before it won't work! It will never work! I love my Harley girl," he murmured, kissing the top of her head tenderly.

Harley was staring at Ivy in disbelief. Ivy could see how she was fighting with herself, how much she wanted to doubt Joker's words. But what she had just witnessed slowly began to convince her, and a sudden realization hit her. "That's why you're always trying to split us up," she murmured. "Why you're always trying to get me to leave him, to stay away from him. You want him for yourself!"

"I do not!" shouted Ivy. "Harley, you can't seriously believe that!"

"Why not? It makes sense to me," she retorted. "All this pretend concern for my welfare, all this encouragement to see myself as an independent individual…that was all a lie? All just to get me out of the picture so you could have him? Of course it was. Of course! How could I not have seen it before? How could I have been so blind?!"

"Harley…"

"Shut up, Ivy!" she shouted, angry tears forming in her big eyes. "Just shut up! I can't trust a word you say! I…I never could! Why, Ivy? Why did you use me like that?! How could you?!" she shrieked, bursting into tears.

"Joker, I will kill you for this," hissed Ivy, feeling her heart being ripped apart at Harley's words. "This is the cruelest thing you've ever done! It's beyond cruel, it's…it's…"

"It's nothing compared to what you've done to me!" screamed Harley, her eyes a burning mixture of agony and fury. "Ivy, I thought we were friends! I thought you cared for me! I thought you…loved me!" she sobbed.

"Harley, I do!" cried Ivy. "I do! You know I do! Can't you see he's lying? He's only doing this out of spite, out of revenge!"

"Revenge for what?" murmured Harley.

Ivy couldn't respond. Admitting that she had lied to Harley now would be the worst thing she could possibly do. She just stared at her pleadingly, willing her to believe her.

Joker took Harley's face in his hands and turned it up to him. "I love you, Harley," he murmured. "You and only you, baby. I always have and I always will."

Ivy was amazed at how good a liar he was. But it was a lie, a very impressive and terrible lie. Nobody could do this to someone and say they loved them. Nobody could rip apart someone's heart for some petty revenge and still pretend they loved them.

"Oh, Mr. J," breathed Harley. He kissed her gently, with a tenderness Ivy never dreamed him capable of. When he drew away, Harley sobbed and buried her face in his chest. "I love you, puddin'," she gasped. "You and only you."

She turned to Ivy, her eyes hard. "You stay away from us, Ivy. I don't want to see you no more. You're lucky I don't try to kill you for what you've done. I hate you enough to kill you. You hear me? I hate you!"

"Harley…" began Ivy, but she took Joker's hand and led him out of the cell without looking back.

"Bye, Ivy," she snapped.

"Bye bye, Pammie," murmured Joker, turning back to her and flashing her a grin. He blew her a kiss and waved before slamming the door shut on her.

Ivy stared at the door, in a whirl of emotions, the strongest of which was fury. She had never fully realized the depths of Joker's depravity before, how evil he actually was, how little he actually cared about anything or anyone but his stupid schemes.

She rushed at the door in a rage, intending to follow them, to have it out with Joker here and now. But to her dismay, she found the door securely locked. Joker had thought of everything. He had won this round again. She refused to let him win the war.


	4. Chapter 4

Ivy had tried speaking to Harley through the gap in their wall when she was returned to her cell, but Harley had replaced the brick and resolutely ignored her. No amount of reasoning on Ivy's part made the slightest difference, not that it ever did. And she had to admit, Joker had planned this one out pretty nicely. Besides the fact that it was utterly preposterous that anyone but Harley would ever find the Joker attractive, cruel, selfish, evil, murdering, psychotic creep that he was, it was a believable lie. It made a kind of sense. It was ironic, really, thought Ivy, glumly, that the symptoms of the bitterest hate could also be mistaken for the deepest love. Maybe deep down they were part of the same thing – two sides of the same coin, as Harvey might say.

As philosophical as this was, it wasn't helping anything. "Harley!" shouted Ivy again, for the thousandth time, banging on the wall. "Harley, please listen to me! You know me! I've always been honest with you! I've told you everything, stuff I've never told anyone else, y'know, about my feelings! Most people don't even think I have feelings! I only chose to share those things with you because I care about you deeply! Can you honestly believe I was just pretending this whole time? Just using you to try to get to Joker? Think, Harley! Does that sound right to you?"

She was surprised to hear the stone move. "You calling Mr. J a liar?" Harley muttered.

"Yes!" shouted Ivy. "You know he's a liar! He's lied countless times to everyone, including you! From the moment you met, in fact! He thinks he's a comedian, and he uses whatever material will work for whatever audience he has at the time! And he's lying now, putting on a great act, but it _is _an act, Harley! You have to trust me!"

"Why would he be putting on an act?" asked Harley. "When he knows how much it would hurt me?"

"Because he's a sick bastard and thinks this is funny!" shouted Ivy. "Because he's cruel and monstrous and cares more about his stupid jokes than your feelings!"

"What were you doing kissing him earlier then?" demanded Harley, suddenly furious.

"He kissed me!" she shouted. "I was trying to get the hell away from him!"

Harley's face darkened. "You're lying, Ivy!" she hissed. "Mr. J would never voluntarily kiss anyone but me! I'm his one and only gal, he's told me that a thousand times! You expect me to believe he was lying all those times?! You expect me to believe he doesn't love me?!"

"He doesn't love you, Harley!" shrieked Ivy. "God, why can't you see that when everyone else can?! He doesn't love anyone except himself! He's a disgusting, twisted, evil, murdering, psychotic creep and he doesn't love you!"

Harley clapped her hands to her ears. "Shut up!" she screamed. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up, Ivy! You hear me?! Just shut your goddamn mouth! You and the Bat and the doctors and everyone else, just shut up! Don't talk about things you don't understand! What would you know about him?! What would any of you know about him, the real him?! He does love me, Ivy, he does! Me and only me! I'm special to him, extra special, not like everyone else! Get that through your thick skull, and stay away from us! You stupid, lying, backstabbing tramp!"

She replaced the stone firmly. Ivy pounded on it, realizing it wouldn't do any good, but mad from desperation. She couldn't believe this was happening – that her best friend was rejecting her all because of some stupid misunderstanding engineered by that evil bastard. Harley and her had fought before, as friends do, but Harley had always forgiven her. But she knew Harley's obsessive personality would never let her forgive something like this, not something involving Mr. J. Harvey was right – the best friend was going to lose.

She was suddenly seized from behind by her hair and a hand was clapped over her mouth. A gloved hand.

"Do I know my Harley girl or what?" chuckled a mocking voice. "How does it feel, Pammie?" he hissed into her ear. "How does it feel to have the ground ripped out from under you, to have your world turned topsy-turvy, to have your image completely shattered? You started this, you stupid bitch, but I'm going to finish it. Once and for all, I'm going to finish it. Not me, personally, though," he laughed. "Harley's going to do it for me. She's going to stand calmly in front of you and blow your brains out. And the last thing you'll ever hear will be me laughing."

While he was speaking, he was tying and gagging her, and then set her on the ground facing the window. "Enjoy the show, Pammie," he said, patting her head.

Ivy watched as he slipped out of her cell and crept down the hall to his own. She struggled and strained against the ropes. She didn't know what exactly Joker had meant by enjoying the show, but she knew it couldn't be good for her, and she didn't want to wait around helplessly to find out.

She was suddenly arrested by a huge explosion to her left. It must have come from the next cell down, but it seemed close enough to have come from hers. She was blinded by the light for several seconds, but when her vision returned to normal, she looked out the window of her cell. And had to blink again, not trusting her own eyes.

She saw herself walking down the corridor. It was a novel experience, seeing herself, Poison Ivy, from the outside. It was like she had a double, an identical twin, or…

_Clayface_. It hit her suddenly. But why? Why would Clayface be impersonating her? And this time the realization hit her right in the pick of her stomach, making her grow cold with dread.

She was right. She watched herself stride over to Joker's cell, bust open the door, and appear in the hallway a few moments later dragging a struggling and bound Joker behind her.

"Puddin'!" shrieked Harley, watching from her cell. "Ivy, no, leave him alone!"

"Sorry, Harley," said fake Poison Ivy, going up the glass and smiling. "He's my puddin' now. I feel kinda bad about using you all these years, but I'm the kinda girl who gets what I want, no matter what. See you later, baby. C'mon, Mr. J."

"Harley, don't worry, I'll be fine, baby!" called Joker as fake Poison Ivy dragged him away. "I'll get out of this and hurry straight back to you! I love you, pooh bear! You and only…"

He was silenced by fake Poison Ivy punching him in the gut. "Shut up, clown," she growled. "You won't be seeing the slut again. She'll never find us, and we'll be together forever."

"Ivy! Ivy, no!" shrieked Harley, mad with rage and jealousy. "I'll swear I'll hunt you down and kill you for this! You hear me?! You're dead!"

The real Poison Ivy was struggling more than ever to break free, to show Harley this was all a mistake, all a horrible plan designed by the Joker. If she could loosen these ropes, maybe J hadn't secured the cell. Maybe she could break out and prove to Harley this was all a misunderstanding.

She had freed one hand. Inching her way over to the cell door, she tried the handle and found it locked. Despair overwhelmed her, but she fought back, struggling to release her other hand as she slid over to the wall. If she could knock on it, show Harley she was still here, not free with an abducted Joker, then maybe there would be a chance.

She raised her hand, but at that moment was struck a blow to the head and lost consciousness.


	5. Chapter 5

She awoke to a buzzing hum of noise. She heard the drone of the TV news, interspersed occasionally with another noise. Laughter.

"…Jack Ryder reporting live from Arkham Asylum, where during the night three master criminals escaped from this supposedly secure facility. Eye-witnesses claim that Pamela Isley, also known as Poison Ivy, was seen fleeing the scene around midnight with the homicidal maniac known only as the Joker. Guards were unable to detain them, and also failed to detain Dr. Harleen Quinzel, otherwise known as Harley Quinn, who made a successful escape attempt about half an hour later. Witnesses claim that Quinzel at least is armed and dangerous, apparently shouting threats of revenge and violence against Isley. No one is clear on the details of this sudden and brutal desire for vengeance – Isley and Quinzel have often worked together as criminal allies. We can only assume this aggression has something to do with the Joker, Quinzel's on-again, off-again lover, who was spotted with Isley. Their whereabouts still unknown, all of Gotham is advised to beware, and report any sightings or information immediately to the GCPD…"

Laughter again. Ivy tore her eyes away from the TV, which was flashing images of her across the screen, along with Joker and Harley. She found she was still tied up, and lying on a bed. Opposite her was the TV, and watching from the corner was the Joker, seated in a chair and cackling to himself.

"We made the morning headlines, Pammie!" he laughed. "Bet Batsy will love watching that over his breakfast! He'll be just as baffled as all the rest of them! Probably choke on his cornflakes!"

"Joker, you let me go now," growled Ivy. "I have to find Harley and explain all this."

"Don't really think she'll be in the mood to talk to you, Pammie," he replied, grinning. "Didn't you hear the man on the news? Armed and dangerous, and shouting threats of revenge and violence against you. There's no reasoning with Harley when she gets like that."

"This is all your doing, and you're going to explain it to her," said Ivy, firmly. "You're going to tell her why you broke her heart just to get back at me. And then I'm going to beat you into the ground."

"I admire your optimism, Pammie, I really do," he replied, smiling. "But the fact is you're tied up here, and you're not getting free. We're both just going to sit here and wait for Harley to find us. Which she will, soon. And then she's going to kill you. And it's going to be hilarious."

"This isn't funny, clown!" hissed Ivy. "Let me go now!"

He looked at her, then shook his head. "Nope, don't think you've learned your lesson yet. It's not nice to start rumors about people, is it, Pammie? Not nice to try to deceive people, to make things seem true when they're not, is it?"

"It was just a stupid joke!" she shouted. "It was payback for you killing my babies! Payback for something you started! But this isn't a joke, Joker! Harley is seriously in pain, and you don't even care!"

"Sure I care, Pammie," he replied. "I care enough to let her relieve that pain by killing you. Otherwise I'd just do it myself. It would be lots of fun. But I'm sacrificing my own pleasure for Harley's sake. That makes me a real catch of a boyfriend."

"You are complete and utter scum!" hissed Ivy. "And I realize I'm insulting scum when I say that! Harley has always deserved better than you! And if she really is coming to kill me, I'll make sure the last words I ever say to her are leave that creep! Maybe she'll remember them!"

"Breaking news, reports are flooding in that Miss Selina Kyle has been attacked in her West Gotham penthouse," came the voice of Jack Ryder from the TV screen. "The assailant seen fleeing the scene appears to be none other than Dr. Harleen Quinzel, otherwise known as Harley Quinn, who escaped from Arkham Asylum earlier this morning. Miss Kyle is being rushed to Gotham Hospital. The motivation for the attack is still unknown, updates as we receive them…"

"Aw, looks like Kitty didn't land on her feet!" chuckled Joker. "Way to go, Harley baby! Didn't even know she had a grudge against the Kitty cat. But maybe she's just in a violent mood – God, I love it when she gets like that! She's completely insaitiable!"

He giggled, rubbing his hands together. Ivy stared at the screen. If Harley had been to see Selina, it could only mean that she had found out the truth about the rumor, and who had started it. Joker was right. Harley was going to kill her.

She shut her eyes, leaning back against the bed. How had things got so far out of control? She guessed she had herself to blame, to an extent. It would teach her to try to get revenge on the clown. That didn't mean she regretted anything, or would do anything different if she had the chance to do things over. She had brought the clown down for a little while, and that was an achievement. People would remember her for that, if nothing else. It wasn't a very comforting thought.

"Where's Clayface?" she asked.

"How should I know? I gave him his freedom after we busted out," he replied. "That was part of the deal, along with a couple grand. It was good of old Bas to help me out, though – he's a real sport. And really enjoyed playing you, as far as I can tell."

"I guess I'm a colorful character," agreed Ivy. Silence fell between the two of them again. "How long do you think it will take Harley to get here?" she asked.

"If she came straight from Kitty's penthouse, maybe about half an hour?" he replied. "Give or take. And assuming she doesn't run into any trouble on the way."

"Right. So I should be enjoying my last few minutes alive," sighed Ivy. "Can't really think of any regrets, which I guess is good. Wish I could have killed you somewhere along the line, for Harley's sake."

"The feeling's mutual, Pammie," he retorted. "Not for Harley's sake, although you should have poked your nose out of our business a long time ago. But mostly because I hate you."

"Yeah, and I hate you," replied Ivy. "At least we can agree on something at the end."

The sound of scuffling came from outside. Joker chuckled. "That'll be my Harley girl! Places, Pammie!"

"And what exactly…" she began, but Joker had already seized her and kissed her again, slicing a knife down the ropes that held her. Finding herself free, Ivy ripped herself away from him and struck him violently across the face, knocking him to the ground.

"No!" shrieked Harley, who had burst into the room, eyes blazing. "Don't you dare hit him, Ivy! That's our thing, dammit! You won't steal our thing!"

"I don't want your thing, and I don't want him!" shouted Ivy, rounding on her. "You talked to Selina! You know now why he's set all this up! Yes, I lied about starting that rumor! It's the only time I've ever lied to you, and I promise you I'm not lying now when I tell you I don't want the disgusting creep, and neither should you!"

She raised a fist to hit him again, when Harley grabbed her hand and pulled her away from him. "I said don't!" she shrieked. "How can I trust a word you say, Ivy, when you lied to me about that rumor?!"

"He's lied to you countless times, and you trust him!" shouted Ivy, throwing a finger at the Joker. "You're not stupid, Harley, but you are being dumb if you can't see that he's set all of this up as payback!"

"I saw what I saw, Red!" she shrieked, holding up her gun. "And you're dead!"

"Harley, put the gun down and listen to me," said Ivy, holding up her hands. "It was Clayface! He was impersonating me, because Joker paid him to! You remember when they were chatting about business? That was what they were talking about! Can you honestly believe everything I ever told you was a lie?! That I used you just to get close to the clown?!"

"Yeah? Where's Karlo, then?" demanded Harley.

"I don't know…"

"Then it's not a very likely story, is it, Ivy?" she demanded.

"It's more likely than me being in love with Joker!" she shouted.

"You're going to leave Mr. J alone!" hissed Harley. "He doesn't want you, Ivy, you get that?! He wants me! He's always wanted me!"

"Harley, I don't want him…"

"I don't believe you!" she shrieked, tears in her eyes. "I want to, but I don't!"

"You should," said a voice from the shadows. They all three started to see Batman emerging from the darkness. "I've just apprehended Karlo. He's back in custody. He told me the truth. If you don't trust Ivy, Harley, trust him. And me."

"Oh, why do you always have to show up and spoil the fun!" shouted Joker, furiously. "It was just getting good, Bats! Harley was just going to blow Ivy's brains out!"

"I know. But Ivy's telling the truth, Harley," he said, approaching her. "Your boyfriend's the liar."

"Why should I trust you, Bats?" she snapped, pointing the gun at him. "Why should I trust anyone but Mr. J? Ivy lied to me about that rumor…"

"And Joker's lied to you now," interrupted Batman. "I'm not lying, Harley. I don't lie. That's why people trust me."

He held out his hand. "Give me the gun. You don't really want to shoot anyone here."

Harley looked at him, then Ivy, then Joker. "Is that true, puddin'?" she murmured. "You set this up just to hit back at Ivy for making up that rumor?"

He shrugged. "It was just a gag, baby. A joke."

"A joke," she repeated, staring at him. "It broke my heart, you selfish bastard!" she shrieked, rushing at him. Batman seized the gun from her as she passed, but she leapt on Joker and knocked him to the ground, choking him.

"Save some for me, Harley!" said Ivy, rushing over to pummel him.

"Little…help…Bats?" gasped Joker, trying to fend the women off.

Batman slowly went over to them and cuffed Harley and Ivy. "Let's go, ladies," he said.

"You lying, heartless, evil monster!" shrieked Harley as Batman dragged her away. "I'm not forgiving you for this, Mr. J! This is the last straw! You hear me?! We're through!"

"Atta girl, Harley!" exclaimed Ivy.

"You don't talk to me either, Red!" she snapped. "I ain't forgiven you for starting that rumor! You should both be ashamed of yourselves! You act like children and the only person who gets hurt is me! I don't believe either one of you cares about me! C'mon, Bats, let's go back to Arkham!" she said, taking his arm.

Batman cuffed Joker and Ivy at separate ends of the room and then left with Harley. "I'll be back for you both shortly," he muttered.

Both Ivy and Joker were in a huff. "Are you happy now?" snapped Joker.

"No," she retorted. "Are you?"

"Do I look happy?" he snapped. "None of this went according to plan! It never does, with Bat-boy around! He always has to show up and spoil my fun!"

"Is your fun all you ever think about?" demanded Ivy. "We've both really hurt Harley, J! Don't you care?! I do!"

"Aw, she'll come round. She always does," he muttered.

"That's not the point! You should feel guilty for hurting her! You remember what guilt feels like, J?!"

"Is it a pain in the ass?!" he shouted. "Because I'm certainly feeling that right now!"

"I will gag you two," snapped Batman, re-entering the room. "Although from what I hear, Joker, you might enjoy that."

Poison Ivy burst out laughing. "It's not funny, Bats," growled Joker.

"You're always saying I have no sense of humor," he retorted, grinning slightly. "But I laughed. Nice joke, Ivy."

"Thank you, Batman," she replied, smiling at him. "You may escort us back to Arkham, if you like. You're right, J, it is nice to have an appreciative audience."


	6. Chapter 6

Joker was right about Harley – she did come round. She never stayed mad at anyone long, and after a night of sulking, she was ready to chat with Ivy the next day between their cells as if nothing had happened. Joker, however, she was not so ready to forgive. She ignored his attempts to talk to her in the Rec Room, and avoided him whenever possible. Ivy saw that despite his assurances to himself that Harley would come round, he was worried.

That night, Ivy was feeding her plants when she heard voices coming from Harley's cell. She slid the brick open a crack, and saw Joker standing opposite Harley, who had her arms folded across her chest and was turned away from him.

"I don't know why I should listen to a word you have to say," she snapped.

"Because, baby, you're overreacting about all this!" he said. Ivy could see the desperation behind his smile. "It was all just a gag, sweets! The plant deserved it for spreading that rumor about me and Batsy!"

"I understand revenge the same as the next gal, Mr. J," she retorted. "What I can't understand is why you decided breaking my heart was the best way to get back at Ivy!"

"Because it really did hurt her, baby!" he exclaimed. "Y'know, thinking you hated her! She was really torn up about that! Nobody likes you being mad at them, pooh! The world just doesn't feel right when you're angry! All the guys here think so too! You're my happy little Harley girl, and it affects everyone when you're not your bouncy, cheerful self!"

"Maybe I would be my bouncy, cheerful self if the people I love didn't keep trying to hurt me!" she shouted.

"But you like being hurt, cupcake!" he exclaimed. "Nobody enjoys pain the way you do, sweets! I don't understand why you're mad about this!"

"I enjoy physical pain, Mr. J," she snapped. "What I do not enjoy is having my emotions and my mind played with like I'm some kinda headcase! I ain't crazy, but you came dangerously close to driving me crazy, and I don't appreciate that!"

"But you love crazy, pooh bear!" he replied. "You love me, and I'm crazy! You do love me, don't you, baby?"

Harley ignored him. "Baby…" he breathed. "Honey, baby, pumpkin pie…"

"Say it," she snapped.

He looked at her, puzzled. "I love you?" he said.

"Not that," she snapped. "Say it!"

He drew a breath. "I'm sorry," he muttered.

"Are you? You're not just saying that?" she demanded.

"No, of course not. I am sorry, pooh bear. You're right, it was selfish and wrong and I'll never do anything like it ever again."

"Promise?" she demanded.

"I promise," he replied. "Cross my heart and hope to die. Now come to Poppa, sweets!"

She glared at him for a moment longer, then squeaked happily and rushed into his arms. "Oh, Mr. J, I can't stay mad at you! I love you too much, puddin'!"

Ivy sighed as they embraced, replacing the stone. She guessed it was good they had kissed and made up, for Harley's sake, just as long as they weren't too loud for the rest of the night.

She went back to watering her plants. She was startled suddenly by the loud shout of "Oh, Batman!" from next door.

Harley shrieked, and there was the sound of a slap, then laughter. "C'mon, sweets, it was just a joke! Rather a good joke of Pammie's, actually!"

Harley joined in the laughter. "I guess it is kinda funny, puddin', when you think about it. Y'know, you always say jokes are funnier when they're true."

There was a pause. "I've never shouted out Batman's name in that situation," muttered Joker.

"Yeah, you have, puddin'," she replied. "A couple times, in fact. Don't you remember?"

"Don't be silly, Harley, I never have," he snapped.

"You have, puddin'," she insisted.

"Have not!"

"Have too!"

"Look, just shut up, you dumb blonde!"

"But I thought you said it was funny, Mr. J!"

"It ain't funny! I don't wanna hear anymore about it ever again, you got that?!"

"Yes, sir. Now c'mon, puddin', don't be angry with me. It ain't my fault Ivy accidentally invented a rumor that was true…Puddin', where are you going? Puddin'! Puddin'!"

Ivy heard the cell door slam, and Joker striding off down the hall, muttering to himself. He wasn't laughing again. But Ivy was. And she had to admit, it did make the world a much brighter place.


End file.
